The greatest challenge I am facing in creating a solo performance is content. This is an amazing opportunity to tell a story in a dynamic and unique way, but which story do I tell, whose story is worth telling, what story do you want to hear, why do I need to tell it?
We’ve undergone a couple of exercises around diary / journal writing to explore creating personal content. I found these tasks both interesting and challenging, and more interesting because they were challenging.
What do I really have to say? Using a diary format incited writing as a release or for reportage as opposed to creating text to be performed. I learnt a number of things;
The English student in me has a pretty poetic writing style.
The Drama student in me has a performatively structured way of relaying information.
I write with vocal expression – underlining/capitalising for emphasis, using punctuation to create spoken tone, bracketing side thoughts etc.
I talk (an embarrassing amount) about boys.
I balance emotional turmoil with comedy and sarcasm, even when I’m writing to no one.
I have proven my anxiety about loss, losing things came up a lot.
Quotes of note;
“NO LUCIE I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M HERE OR WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE.”
“What else can I say but the truth?”
“I can’t really put my finger on what it was, it just felt significant.”
“…tell him that I’d lost his gift from – when even was it? Last birthday? The Christmas before? He’d know. That he would remember even if he didn’t care to admit it and that realisation made me want to tell him even more. Why? To see his reaction I guess, how he’d react to me having lost another bit of him. But no, we’ve done enough of that. SO here I am, writing instead, with pen & paper holding on to yet another loss.”
“Not sure that’s exactly what I mean by an uncertainty/disillusionment with where we’re going vs. where we’ve been inc. all associated expectations…”
“Town was full of prepubescent couples and it made me feel sceptical. What’s become of me?”
“*Realisation* There’s a difference between attachment to material things & sentimental things…It’s an inexplicable feeling -loss- part physical, emotional, a little il/logical. The loss of the representation of my attachment to my parents doesn’t lessen that connection. But does representing it materially affirm/enhance it?…”
“Stupid old lady! NO MISSED OPPORTUNITIES! Gah…Can I call it a date? ‘Tbh, I’m open for anything’ WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Food, drinks, roller disco? I will not become a booty call, I will not, I will not become…Did I mention that this boy can Squat me? Why do I even life that…Oh help. Behave. I am a terrible person.”
“I don’t know what the deal is / what game we’re playing. If I don’t know the game how can I understand the rules!…I DON’T LIKE ALL THIS UNCERTAINTY – Who am I kidding. It’s 70% of the fun!”
Twitter Extracts;
“Isn’t it fucking terrifying that no matter how many promises they’ve made, no matter how long you’ve been together, someone can get up and walk out of your life without a second thought and you have to carry on living because the world doesn’t stop for any of us”
“Why should I be sad? I have lost someone who didn’t love me. But they lost someone who loved them.”
“-‘I’ve grown up, I’ve got my own life now’
-‘I know that! I just wanted to be a part of it.’”
“I JUST REALLY WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH SOME PEOPLE BUT I JUST CAN’T START CONVERSATIONS IT’S NOT THAT I’M SHY I JUST REALLY SUCK AT BEING A HUMAN”
“I am not even sure that I miss you/ Or that I am in love with you/ I just miss the thought of you,/ And the thought of being in love with you.// The desire to feel your lips/ Softly against mine / Your hands running against my back/ Your fingers intertwined within my own// I miss the way you made me feel/ Safe.”
Currently, I have no idea whether any / all of that will be pulled into my final performance. I think I like my tone / rhythm so perhaps I’ll try and write the ‘script’ as me / from me. I need to play with content and decide how autobiographical / personal experience based my chosen ‘story’ will be. I’m unsure as to whether content is really the bit I’m interested in. If I’m not going to do something like the phoenix idea, I think I’d rather explore form and storytelling itself.