Poetry From My Past

I’m going to put this in here as I’ve always loved this poem and have often thought about staging it performatively…


 

My Last Duchess – Robert Browning

FERRARA

 

That’s my last Duchess painted on the wall,

Looking as if she were alive. I call

That piece a wonder, now; Fra Pandolf’s hands

Worked busily a day, and there she stands.

Will’t please you sit and look at her? I said

“Fra Pandolf” by design, for never read

Strangers like you that pictured countenance,

The depth and passion of its earnest glance,

But to myself they turned (since none puts by

The curtain I have drawn for you, but I)

And seemed as they would ask me, if they durst,

How such a glance came there; so, not the first

Are you to turn and ask thus. Sir, ’twas not

Her husband’s presence only, called that spot

Of joy into the Duchess’ cheek; perhaps

Fra Pandolf chanced to say, “Her mantle laps

Over my lady’s wrist too much,” or “Paint

Must never hope to reproduce the faint

Half-flush that dies along her throat.” Such stuff

Was courtesy, she thought, and cause enough

For calling up that spot of joy. She had

A heart—how shall I say?— too soon made glad,

Too easily impressed; she liked whate’er

She looked on, and her looks went everywhere.

Sir, ’twas all one! My favour at her breast,

The dropping of the daylight in the West,

The bough of cherries some officious fool

Broke in the orchard for her, the white mule

She rode with round the terrace—all and each

Would draw from her alike the approving speech,

Or blush, at least. She thanked men—good! but thanked

Somehow—I know not how—as if she ranked

My gift of a nine-hundred-years-old name

With anybody’s gift. Who’d stoop to blame

This sort of trifling? Even had you skill

In speech—which I have not—to make your will

Quite clear to such an one, and say, “Just this

Or that in you disgusts me; here you miss,

Or there exceed the mark”—and if she let

Herself be lessoned so, nor plainly set

Her wits to yours, forsooth, and made excuse—

E’en then would be some stooping; and I choose

Never to stoop. Oh, sir, she smiled, no doubt,

Whene’er I passed her; but who passed without

Much the same smile? This grew; I gave commands;

Then all smiles stopped together. There she stands

As if alive. Will’t please you rise? We’ll meet

The company below, then. I repeat,

The Count your master’s known munificence

Is ample warrant that no just pretense

Of mine for dowry will be disallowed;

Though his fair daughter’s self, as I avowed

At starting, is my object. Nay, we’ll go

Together down, sir. Notice Neptune, though,

Taming a sea-horse, thought a rarity,

Which Claus of Innsbruck cast in bronze for me!


 

I have loved this poem since I first discovered it during my English GCSE, and the drama student in me has always thought how well it lends itself to a live performance. In terms of its relation to my solo, I think the idea of there being more than one side to a story; the Duchess’s, the Duke’s even the priest’s and the envoy’s, and there being more than one way of telling it; the painting itself, the Duke’s spoken confession, our re-reading of it, struck a chord with my ideas for the kind of piece I wanted to create. I did not want to write a neatly bound, beginning, middle and end, but rather question our deification of such ‘perfect’ stories and create a way of inviting the audience to do the same. Also, the Duke’s collection of trophies in this poem is not entirely dissimilar to my curator character’s collection of books.


 

Browning, Robert (1842), ‘My Last Duchess’, Online: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/173024 (accessed 5 March 2015)

Journeying Through Journaling

The greatest challenge I am facing in creating a solo performance is content. This is an amazing opportunity to tell a story in a dynamic and unique way, but which story do I tell, whose story is worth telling, what story do you want to hear, why do I need to tell it?

We’ve undergone a couple of exercises around diary / journal writing to explore creating personal content. I found these tasks both interesting and challenging, and more interesting because they were challenging.

What do I really have to say? Using a diary format incited writing as a release or for reportage as opposed to creating text to be performed. I learnt a number of things;

The English student in me has a pretty poetic writing style.

The Drama student in me has a performatively structured way of relaying information.

I write with vocal expression – underlining/capitalising for emphasis, using punctuation to create spoken tone, bracketing side thoughts etc.

I talk (an embarrassing amount) about boys.

I balance emotional turmoil with comedy and sarcasm, even when I’m writing to no one.

I have proven my anxiety about loss, losing things came up a lot.

 


 

Quotes of note;

“NO LUCIE I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M HERE OR WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE.”

“What else can I say but the truth?”

“I can’t really put my finger on what it was, it just felt significant.”

“…tell him that I’d lost his gift from – when even was it? Last birthday? The Christmas before? He’d know. That he would remember even if he didn’t care to admit it and that realisation made me want to tell him even more. Why? To see his reaction I guess, how he’d react to me having lost another bit of him. But no, we’ve done enough of that. SO here I am, writing instead, with pen & paper holding on to yet another loss.”

“Not sure that’s exactly what I mean by an uncertainty/disillusionment with where we’re going vs. where we’ve been inc. all associated expectations…”

“Town was full of prepubescent couples and it made me feel sceptical. What’s become of me?”

“*Realisation* There’s a difference between attachment to material things & sentimental things…It’s an inexplicable feeling -loss- part physical, emotional, a little il/logical. The loss of the representation of my attachment to my parents doesn’t lessen that connection. But does representing it materially affirm/enhance it?…”

“Stupid old lady! NO MISSED OPPORTUNITIES! Gah…Can I call it a date? ‘Tbh, I’m open for anything’ WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Food, drinks, roller disco? I will not become a booty call, I will not, I will not become…Did I mention that this boy can Squat me? Why do I even life that…Oh help. Behave. I am a terrible person.”

“I don’t know what the deal is / what game we’re playing. If I don’t know the game how can I understand the rules!…I DON’T LIKE ALL THIS UNCERTAINTY – Who am I kidding. It’s 70% of the fun!”


 

Twitter Extracts;

“Isn’t it fucking terrifying that no matter how many promises they’ve made, no matter how long you’ve been together, someone can get up and walk out of your life without a second thought and you have to carry on living because the world doesn’t stop for any of us”

“Why should I be sad? I have lost someone who didn’t love me. But they lost someone who loved them.”

“-‘I’ve grown up, I’ve got my own life now’

-‘I know that! I just wanted to be a part of it.’”

“I JUST REALLY WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH SOME PEOPLE BUT I JUST CAN’T START CONVERSATIONS IT’S NOT THAT I’M SHY I JUST REALLY SUCK AT BEING A HUMAN”

“I am not even sure that I miss you/ Or that I am in love with you/ I just miss the thought of you,/ And the thought of being in love with you.// The desire to feel your lips/ Softly against mine / Your hands running against my back/ Your fingers intertwined within my own// I miss the way you made me feel/ Safe.”


 

Currently, I have no idea whether any / all of that will be pulled into my final performance. I think I like my tone / rhythm so perhaps I’ll try and write the ‘script’ as me / from me. I need to play with content and decide how autobiographical / personal experience based my chosen ‘story’ will be. I’m unsure as to whether content is really the bit I’m interested in. If I’m not going to do something like the phoenix idea, I think I’d rather explore form and storytelling itself.

A state of temporary disuse or suspension

Written by myself a couple of years ago, it felt appropriate to reconsider this little should-be spoken word poem


 

Abeyance    

 

Like a boat on the shore oblivious to the whole ocean:

 

To ride those waves is what you were made for,

To rise and fall between the sun and the shore,

You can only keep swimming, you’ll sink if you’re not sure,

Forced by the law of survival. The sea is your hope and your rival,

The giver of drive some fight all their lives for.

It’s your purpose, your force. Though there are rules to obey

You can chart your own course ‘til the end of your days.

As you look out to sea, the tempest says;

“To ride those waves is what you were made for.”

You’ve got to keep swimming, you’ll sink if you’re not sure,

But in this stormy weather you can’t see the allure.

So you sit

In the sand

For you cannot stand

Under the weight of what might

Be your fate.


 

I actually started this poem after first experiencing Kate Tempest’s spoken word work, Icarus (1). It wasn’t until I started university in 2013 that it formed into a completed piece. I was feeling overwhelmed by the plethora of opportunities ahead of me, unable to decide what I should/shouldn’t, could/couldn’t do. In all honesty perhaps this feeling has never really left me, however, I felt a surge of it again, approaching the end of third year. Though at this later point, I was looking back more so than forward, the underlying feeling of ineptitude and uncertainty was sure to bubble under the surface of devising a solo piece and potentially erupt in my final performance.

 

(1) Tempest, Kate (2011) Icarus, Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yv5fggapRwQ (accessed 27 February 2015).

 

Paraprosdokian

  1. A paraprosdokian (/pærəprɒsˈdoʊkiən/) is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence, phrase, or larger discourse is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

 

All I know is, everything is not as it’s sold. (1)

 

Before anything else, any research, rehearsal or reading, I knew that this phrase was to be the foundation of my final solo performance, in fact, it actually made it into the final script. At the end of my journey through formal education, I am entirely unconvinced that I have experienced and learnt what I was expecting to, what I was ‘supposed’ to. Having said that, I actually think I’ve learnt far more through experience than from structured teaching; so it goes. This realisation would lead me to consider not just my own knowledge, but to question the very ideas of ‘knowledge’, teaching and leaning, as both academic and social constructions.

 

(1) Lyric extract from, Furtado, N. (2003) Try, California: Dreamworks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOY6IeQS6KA